Tonight I'd like to review a zombie movie: Vampires vs. Zombies. Well, I should say that I would like to review a movie that I bought because I thought that it would be a zombie movie.
This is normally where I would have a spoiler alert.
But since there is no plot to spoil the entire point of the alert is ruined, so I'll just get to the point. There is only one scene in this entire movie with zombies, and it's the last scene. It's a pretty good scene but only because you've been waiting the entire movie to watch somebody, ANYBODY kill these stupid lesbian vampires. The zombies kill them in about 5 seconds and the movie is over.
The 84 previous minutes consist of some stupid, hard to follow plot about an amulet intertwined with softcore lesbian sex scenes (that aren't even good). The only reason I finished the movie was the same reason I finished Catcher in the Rye: because I thought that at some point something had to happen. Although I was slightly less dissatisfied with Vampires vs Zombies I was still extremely dissatisfied.
The zombies themselves seem to be on the vein of 28 Days Later: fast and most probably virulent. They don't much move or act like they're dead which adds to the speed with which they dispatch the vampires. If you don't already know it I am not much of a fan of fast, virulent zombies. Dead things aren't fast and transmission of some kind of zombie virus just seems too convenient and hacky to me. There are a lot of other reasons for this but that's for another time. Suffice it to say though, that if the writer of this movie had even bothered to explain that these were virulent zombies it would have been a serious upgrade to the movie. One could just as easily say that these are angry, hungry Romulans or really extreme homophobes.
For the record I bought this movie used and lent it to someone from whom I haven't gotten it back. I never asked for it back and now I don't even remember who has it because my life is better off without it.
Bottom line: not enough zombies to really make it a zombie movie, not enough plot to really make it a movie. Don't watch it unless you have insomnia or are really into vampires or poor quality softcore lesbian porn.
Ahem. Dead things can too be fast - vampires are dead things, aren't they? (In my world, they are.)
ReplyDeleteWell it depends on what kind of vampire we're looking at. A Twilight vampire doesn't take things too fast because he doesn't want you to be uncomfortable.
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