Tonight I would like give a review on a zombie emergency plan. Before we can go about this we need some ground rules which should be evenly applied to all reviews of zombie emergency plans (ZEPs). First of all I will assume Romero zombies in the vein of Dawn, Day and Diary of the Dead; which would mean zombies which have died and come back to life (not succumb to a virus), they are hungry for brains or human flesh, they have very limited coordination and muscle function (they can’t run), and in general are what most would consider to be stereotypical zombies. Also, any intelligence that the zombies would have would be limited to something akin to “Bub” from Day of the Dead: no inherent intelligence and anything that the zombie could possibly know he would have to be taught from a fully living human (so nothing like in Zombies Anonymous or Ugly Americans).
Second I will assume that those trying to survive are a group of at least four. The reason for this is rather arbitrary but I think that the amount of four people is a good, basic one that is a minimum needed to truly be able to survive such a situation. For examples there is the video game Left 4 Dead and there were only four good people in Day of the Dead. I’m sure that you can find plenty of counterexamples like Dawn of the Dead or Night of the Living Dead, but four is an easy, basic number with which to work. A caveat to this is that in these reviews groups can be larger than four and in such cases I’ll assume that the group will be divisible by four and the rest will follow in proportion.
Third I will have to assume that there will be no negative interaction with outside groups of humans. Not because it won’t happen, but because it would be far too uncontrollable a phenomenon to try to predict or for which to account. I also will not really recognize any positive interaction; although possible it’s much too hard to predict and certainly not something upon which one would want to depend in a life-or-undeath scenario.
Fourth I will have to assume, just for ease, that the group finds out that zombies are afoot before the infestation is full-blown and while relatively close to home. This is once again just for the sake of reducing unnecessary and unpredictable variables.
Fifth and last for now will be the equipment that the group will have. If you don’t have everything on this list or at least know someone with ready access to it then you may want to look into obtaining it just to be prepared for the forthcoming zombie apocalypse.
· Transportation with a 300 mile range (at least a car if you’ve got 4 people to the group)
· A rifle with 100 rounds of ammunition (a .22 caliber may not get the job done, I would suggest something larger that can undoubtedly clean out a skull with one shot)
· A handgun with 100 rounds of ammunition (again, a .22 may be too small. Go big or eat brains)
· A 4 person tent or equivalent
· 4 sleeping bags or equivalent (comforters or blankets may be acceptable)
· A flashlight
· A set of basic hand tools (sockets, wrenches, hammer, screwdrivers, hand saw)
· A week’s supply of food (doesn’t have to be fancy, I’ll bet you could find it in your pantry right now if the supermarket was full of zombies)
· A bottle of whiskey (preferably bourbon)
· A Holy Bible or equivalent
I have set these ground rules for good reason which is so I may realistically evaluate a ZEP based on a standard system of measurement. I will now move on to the actual evaluation of a ZEP. This is relatively simple: short, medium, and long term evaluations of both feasibility and difficulty. I will lay out what I see as the most logical way to carry out the ZEP and base my evaluation on that and after each I shall name a few extra items that may be necessary or desirable for each ZEP duration.
Hopefully this isn’t too confusing but if it is please read on and it should clear itself up a bit.
ZEP #1: Household hideout
This is the plan that’s not really a plan. It consists of sitting in your house, boarding up the doors and windows on the first floor and waiting until it all blows over. This is the ZEP seen in Night of the Living Dead except in that movie nobody in the house actually owned it (zombie squatting if you will). There are a few plus sides to this ZEP, mainly the fact that a house is a relatively small building that is easy to patrol and one would know quickly if it has been breached. Another plus is that your home is an area with which you are already familiar and it is going to be close which will give you more time to put up defenses and ready yourself. Some downsides to it are the fact that most homes have a relatively high amount of windows and doors which need to be boarded up and are completely surrounded rather easily with a relatively small number of zombies. Overall it is a ZEP that works well in short term, like in a situation such as Night of the Living Dead, but gets worse the longer the undead keep shuffling about your house.
Short term
You would need to get everyone and everything that you will need in the house in the very beginning and immediately begin fortification. This would prove to be tricky as in the heat of the moment it would be easy to overlook something small but important (“I left the pistol outside when we got wood to board up the door”). Other than this it’s not a bad plan on the short term. It would take a lot of work to fortify every door and window in your home and depending on layout it may even be more advantageous to shutter yourself in only a part of your house instead of worrying about the whole thing. Once this is done it should take several hours or even days before you lose electricity and/or gas so you should at least be able to hear some news and cook up some hot dogs for a little while. You would also want to have at least one person awake at all times for security.
Feasibility: If you can swing a hammer or drive a screw you can do this.
Difficulty: It might seem like a pain in the rear now but if zombies are roaming the streets I’m sure you’ll find it quite a bit easier to get motivated.
Extra supplies
· Nails and screws
· A power screwdriver or drill
· An AM/FM radio or television
Bottom line: Better hope the sheriff shows up soon and tells you that everything is fine.
Medium term
The days would start to drag on and it would get harder to stay up all night, every night. Nails and screws that were once well secured would start to loosen and fail, especially if the undead are constantly banging on them. You would probably want to be quiet and leave lights off as much as possible so hopefully the zombies would forget you’re there. You would need to have fairly deep food reserves as it would become close to impossible to leave the house or to grow food and your dog might start to look mouthwatering. Chances are that the power and gas would stop working, as may the water. Cell and land lines would probably be out so you might like to have a CB or Ham radio on hand to have some way to contact the outside world. A generator would be nice to run the radios or TV if anything is still on and rain water collection might be necessary if you lack reserves. The stench of body odor and death would hang in the air. You might be running low on ammo and have to arm yourself with close range weapons.
Feasibility: You would have to prepare yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. The depth of your food, water and mental reserves would certainly decide your fate.
Difficulty: Exceptional. Even if you can control your spring fever and stay cooped up in the house there’s no guarantee that everyone in your group can do the same.
Extra supplies
· Food
· Water
· Generator
· CB/Ham Radio
· Books
· Ammunition
· Close range weapons (knives, bats, clubs et cetera)
Bottom line: You need to be very tough while still waiting for the sheriff to show up and tell you that everything is fine.
Long term
No matter how deep your reserves of food, water and ammo are there will come a point where they will run out. I’m not really sure if I would want to run out of food or ammo first but neither is an attractive option. You would have to count on the zombies naturally dying out like in 40 Days Later or else you will have to leave the house. This would be incredibly dangerous if the streets are swarmed with the living dead. You would want to armor your vehicle as much as possible and pray to your God that you don’t get a flat tire. Even if you can get out of the house there is a large, looming question: where do you go? Alas, that is a question for another post.
Feasibility: You and your buddies against swarming thousands of the undead? Not a very good proposition.
Difficulty: You’ve been cooped up in your house for months unable to properly exercise, never getting adequate sunlight, poorly fed and dehydrated. Then after that you have to face one of the most physically and mentally grueling tasks of your life. Unless you’re an Army Ranger this will probably be harder than beating stage 4 cancer, and with the stakes just as high.
Extra supplies
· Welder (and someone who knows how to use it)
· Extra metal
· A good plan
Bottom line: You gambled that this would quickly go away and you lost.
There you have it. All of my evaluations of ZEPs will be laid out in the same manner. Please feel free to leave any comments for discussion. If you have criticism please keep it constructive and if you would like to submit a ZEP to me for review please feel free to email me.
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